1. |
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3 years since the last time we talked
3 years since the last time I heard you turn
Every single fucking thing I say into a problem for you
The only thing you ever gave me
Is abandonment trauma
PTSD
Anger issues
Rejection dysphoria
Drug addiction
Alcoholism
And a motherfucking Y chromosome
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2. |
Right Body, Wrong Family
01:05
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|
My body is perfect
My body is mine
So what if I don't pass for cis
I wouldn't want to anyway
The only thing wrong with me
Is you not accepting me
Your fake protection hurting me
Your consistent misgendering
The incessant outing me
Jesus fucking Christ just accept that you didn't raise a little boy you raised a strong fucking woman
I am not your son
I am not your son
I am not
I am not your fucking son
Your son is dead I fucking killed him
Have a funeral
That's what I did when I killed the part of me that needed to die for my soul to live
I am not your son
I am not your god damn motherfucking son
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3. |
Testosterone Poisoning
00:48
|
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|
I wish to god my body never suffered from testosterone poisoning
Shaving my face sometimes multiple times a day
Clearing my chest and stomach and legs and everything of the forest of dark strands engulfing me
I wish I had a pretty voice to match the one in my head
I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish to god my body never went through testosterone poisoning
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4. |
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Every single day for 26 years I cursed whatever higher power made me this way
Made me have this thing between my legs,
A chest like a smooth blank wall
I cursed the facial hair I thought I had to grow to keep up with the illusion of being masculine
In 26 years I attempted suicide 11 times
The first happened at just 9 years old
The last at 23
At 26 I felt safe enough to tell the world I am not a man
I am not a man
I have never been a man
At 27 I started hormones
Now I have ridges and valleys, peaks and plains
My body is no longer something I curse
And neither are the powers that made me
Now I am in love with life no matter how hard it gets because I am no longer an illusion
But somehow my comfort goes against your moral values
Well fuck your moral values
Fuck your values
Fuck your god damn moral values
If being trans is morally corrupt then so be it
I'm trans and I'm proud
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5. |
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I wore a dress to school
It was opposite day
Everyone else dressed like their parents
Or teachers
Or coaches
Or anything else except
The opposite
Of their assigned gender
But I wore a dress
I wore heels
I wore black tights
I wore make up
I wore a wig
I dressed up as the opposite
Of my every day
I dressed up for the first time
As myself
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6. |
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You knew me once
But never again
You couldn't grow with me
Constant misgendering
"It's hard for me to not say your dead name
I've known you so long that it will take time you see"
I don't see
I'm blind
To your callous disrespect for not only my life and identity but my fucking safety
You never knew me
You knew the person you wanted me to be
And now that I refuse to be that person
You are angry
But not at the right person
You don't blame yourself enough
You don't blame yourself for this friendship falling apart
And that's just the start of your problem
Unpack
Unlearn
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7. |
Girl in Disguise
01:02
|
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|
Out of necessity
And to save my life
I became
A master of disguise
Whenever someone told me
Something was girly
I knew I better
Correct my action
Or risk blowing my cover
Total mind and body espionage
Girl in disguise
Girl in a locked trunk
Hidden in a closet
Spying on
Herself
Waiting for
The code words
You're safe now
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8. |
Smile Dammit
01:12
|
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|
You should smile more
Why do you look so sad
You should smile more
Life's not so bad
You should smile more
You'd be much prettier
You should smile more
You'd be less intimidating
You look so depressed
Why don't you give me a smile
You look so angry
Just give me a smile
Just give me a smile bitch
Why won't you FUCKING smile
Smile dammit
Just fucking smile
Smile dammit
Just fucking smile
Smile dammit
Smile for me
Smile dammit
Just fucking smile
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9. |
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A lifetime of avoiding mirrors
And not looking at
Surfaces that showed my reflection
Reluctantly posing for pictures
Walking with my head down
Hair in my face
Spinning and screaming and hyperventilating in a public restroom until I smash the fucking wall to wall mirror with the toilet tank lid
And cut my fucking wrist with the shards as they fall one by one around my feet
An eternity of hating and fighting myself looking back at me
Because that isn't me
And now
The mirror and the storefront windows
Are my friends
I won the fight
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10. |
It All Makes Sense
01:09
|
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|
They say what doesn't kill you
Makes you so much stronger
But the reality is
What doesn't kill you
Will follow you
And haunt you
And taunt you
And keep trying to kill you
Over and over and over again
It makes sense that the same trauma from my childhood
Returns with a vengeance in my adult life
Go to therapy
Unpack and heal
Kill what wants to kill you
Or what doesn't kill you will eventually succeed
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11. |
False
00:46
|
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|
False hope
False dreams
False reality
False doors
False body
False mind
False life
|
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12. |
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|
No is a complete sentence
If I have to say it again
I am going to end this
Life of yours you fucking rapist
No is a FUCKING complete sentence
Don't you ever fucking touch me again
Or your life will be extinguished
Tie a rope around your precious blue balls and drag you behind your precious lifted truck until you have perished
No is a complete fucking sentence
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13. |
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|
The person I was before is dead
That's why it's called a dead name
The amount of dysphoria that name brings me
Is unparalleled by almost every other way you could disrespect me
Every time I hear that name I want to scream
Every time you say that name I want to haunt your fucking dreams
I don't know how else to put this so I'll be as fucking blunt as I can be
Calling by my dead name is an act of violence that pushes me closer and closer to suicide
So if I die, and you still refuse to use my real name
My blood is on your fucking hands
No apologies
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Girls Against Hetero Tyranny Rochester, New York
We are a couple of 'radicals' from Elmira, and Rochester, NY. We make music to encourage those who are taught by society to
hide to rise up and create a happier world. Our art is our weapon.
www.facebook.com/GAHTband?mibextid=ZbWKwL
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